After driving for several years now, I have come to notice the little things while in the car: the sunlight's cruel glare in front of my fragile eyes as I am attempting to maneuver a U-turn, the almost sub-threshold hum of the car engine, and the subtle pressure on the gas pedal that makes a difference between a legal and an illegal speed limit.
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| EEK! |
Driving both thrills and terrifies me. It's a nuanced concept that I closely associate with other subtleties like bungee jumping, rave concerts, and decadent desserts. Pleasurable, yet also potentially dangerous. Booking it just as the stoplight is about to turn red, cruising fast along an empty street early in the morning- that is where it is at. Not as pretty, however, are the collisions, the paperwork involved, and- most annoying- the assholes who make such possibilities a reality.
Don't get me wrong: not all of these drivers are out to spite others. Some have their reasons, although rather lame ones. But for those who think that they are the shit, EAT MY ASPHALT! More like "shit of the road."
I have put together a list of the ten drivers that I have encountered in my experiences while on the road. I have also rated them on level of "middle-fingerness," 1 being "eh, I'll let you go" to 3 ("Whatthefuck, man?!"). Also, "10" is a specific number that I chose to give myself a limit on just how many assholes that I can list. Trust me, there are more.
1. "The Drifter"
I may be slightly anal-retentive for this category of drivers, but it irks me when drivers don't drive straight down the middle of their line. Some veer too far to the left, some too far to the right. And that poses a threat to my security and my personal cruising space. I'll be trying to pass a car on my left, and praying that the side mirrors don't hit each other. Annoying, but it's whatever. After all, it is not fair to assume that they have an eye for perfection.
Rating: 
2. The Slow-Poke
Now, this group covers a variety of drivers, including the elderly, the indecisive, and the lost souls. First, get this straight: I do not hate elderly people; many are endearing, wonderful characters. Rather, I hate their driving. Come on, we're in a 35 mph zone, and you are going...10 miles?! Frankly, I think there is an increased likelihood of getting into an accident driving this slow than from going five or ten miles over the speed limit. Just go with the flow of the traffic, Ma'am (or Mister).
As for the indecisive: MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND! Do you want to turn left or right? Change lanes or stay in the current one? To go or not to go, that is the question. Just don't get me involved in the decision-making process (trust me, you would not want to...).
And finally, for those of you who are lost: GET. A. GPS. Gracious, even Google Map. Isn't technology wonderful?
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...Which leads me to my next bane...
3. Text-Messagers
In general, I dislike text-messaging when users abuse the service. This applies to non-driving moments as well: I will be hanging out with someone outside on a beautiful day, having an actual (not virtual!) conversation, but all the person does is look at his or her phone, replying with non-verbal nonsense like "Mmhm," or "Mm." Seriously, I just want to grab that mobile device and chuck it out onto the street to be flatten by the next moving vehicle. Serves you right for ignoring me. Bastard.
Okay, I digress. Back to the driving. First of all, you should not be texting and driving at the same time. Haven't you heard the laws outlawing the practice? The horrifying statistics of people involved in accidents and killed because of it? What further pisses me off is when I'm at the stoplight, and this driver in front of me is checking his or her phone, not aware that the green light has been on for a while now. HOOOOONNNK! I promise you, the phone can wait. Driving can not.
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4. Anti Stop-Sign Drivers
It was blatantly clear that I stopped first at the stop sign. A good 80 milliseconds before. Even the pedestrian who was about to cross your intersection saw it. And I start to inch forward...
What the heck?! You take off, and the pedestrian is reeling on his or her soles to avoid getting hit. Did you not see that I was there first? Did you not see that stop sign, its red frame and eight-pointed sides glaring for you to S-T-O-P?
I was there first, Bro!
Alas, I suppose that it's petty to hold grudges, especially that there are a million more stop signs to encounter ahead.
Rating:
5. The Cock-Blocker
By all means, this is not about those who engage in sex-obstructing acts against their peers. No, this is for those who literally block two lanes when we're at the stoplight. The driver just happens to want to switch lanes- in the middle of traffic! What a cock. *clucks tongue in disapproval.
Rating:
6. Music Thugs
According to the Center of Disease Control, the percentage of those with noise-induced hearing impairment, especially among youth, ranges between twelve to seventeen percent. Although that does not seem like a lot of people, the number will increase if people keep blasting music at 130 decibels in the car. Especially if it is not even good music. It is fine if you don't give a damn about what other people think of your personal tastes in music, be it gangsta rap, country, or house music. But you will certainly be getting crap when your fellow drivers give you death glares and the police cites you for the excessive volume. Keep your personal (listening) space to yourself.
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7. Motorcyclists
I think that motorcycles are death vehicles. You are basically going fifty, sixty mph, sans seat belt, sans protection. I hate them. They are like loud and obnoxious children who want the whole world to know that they are here. Figuratively, they cry for attention. Motorcycles should not exist, period. That way, we would have less douchebags on the road. Ah, motorcyclists: traveling in packs and filling the street with your wailing engines. Squeezing through spaces between cars just because you can. Wearing leather in the hot-traffic heat and sporting dinky helmets that wouldn't even save your life if it tried. Enjoy the thrill while it lasts, but don't regret it when you wreck yourself.
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8. Taillight-Blind Drivers
Uh...where are your headlights? More specifically, do they even work? Here I am, trying to guesstimate when I should be stopping behind you, because YOU ARE NOT GIVING ME ANY SIGNAL! Hellooooo...get your taillights fixed, or else I will be living in fear of rear-ending your sorry ass.
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9. Turn Signal Miser
Similar to taillights, I expect turn signals to blink when you are preparing to change lanes or streets.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! You just cut me off! Without any warning! A common move that has induced the most mild-mannered drivers into semi-road rage (including me. Don't worry, I'm not usually an angry driver, contrary to this blog rant).
Not only are you asking for an accident, but you are also asking for my middle finger once I get a hold of you. So please: next time, flip that lever and "TICK-TICK" turn.
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10. Drop-Offers at the No-Dropping Lane
I'm in the middle of a busy street and you, you gracious bastard, need to get out of the car and unload a shit-ton of items? Drop off several dozen passengers at IHOP? Not only are you wasting time and causing a queue of cars to form behind you, but you are stopping when you are not suppose to. There exists something called "parking lots," you know. You might want to check them out.
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Goodness, I'm getting all jittery and agitated just writing this. But in actuality, I am not typically a road rager. Yeah, I mutter expletives when one of the ten drivers listed above are on the road, but usually I just let it go. I don't know the person, and it is likely that I don't see him or her on the road in the future. It's not worth seething over.
Basically, drive safely, be considerate, and don't ride a motorcycle. 'Cause I will death-glare you.
