My Fear

If you think that this entry is a list of quirky or bizarre personal fears, then I politely ask you to go find some other blog to entertain you. Because this is not it.

This idea of expressing an issue that I have been struggling with recently occurred to me Friday night, while alone in my dorm room. In my opinion, the combination of silence and the aesthetics of a single lamp illuminating the pitch-black room works wonders for one's introspection. Add it with some ambient jungle EDM tracks and you got yourself some thinking juice.

I had always been (and still am) that person who does not mind being alone for long periods of time. In fact, I do not mind silence, the fact that I had the room all to myself when my roommates were away. I work well alone, on projects, papers, any schoolwork that I was given. I work out alone, I (often) eat alone.

Alone.

A-lone.

A loner.

To me, these words connote other words. Negative ones. Dark. Bleak. Isolated. Hopeless. Pathetic. As humans, we are suppose to be sociable beings, thriving and developing in the midst of throngs and throngs of people. We are suppose to crave each other's company: love, instead of ambivalence, cuddle, instead of push away.

However, is this biology or sociology speaking? Is there something innate in us or is it a social construct that drives us to seek relationships? Perhaps both? I am not going to answer this, because one, this is not an English class, and two, I don't know.

I see it everywhere, especially as a college student: the first-week-of-school rush to make new friends, dining hall bonding sessions, work-out buddies. Things that, as a returning student, I do not give much of a shit about. Three years at this institution, and I am already jaded and cynical. And I ask myself: why am I like this? Am I suppose to be like this?

For most of my youth, I found it difficult to make new friends. I am a follower, not a leader. I never want my words to be the last  in conversations. In primary school, friendships were so easy to obtain, effortless. Self-consciousness didn't even exist back then; when you see your peers playing in the sandbox, you just join them. No questions asked. They accepted the fact that you joined them. 

Now, instead of having friendships handed to you on a neat, clean platter, you actually have to work for them. Meaning, staying in touch via text, Facebook, instant messaging, and other social media outlets. Making the effort to create events and socials. Actually trying, for a change. Because if you don't, you risk letting go.

It's hypocritical, that I desire these relationships, but that I don't want to try to hold on to them. No, that's a lie. Rephrase: it's hypocritical that I desire these relationships, but that I censor myself from ascertaining them.

WHY?

Well, that's my fear.

I fear rejection. I fear odd looks and things spoken behind my back. "Ooh, she's weird," or "I think I'll avoid her." Yet, I also fear my friendships dying off. From a matter of aspects: time, distance, miscommunication, loss of interests and commonalities. Or the lack thereof.

That is why I felt the need to protect myself. From rejection, from friendships dying off. I act nonchalant, because I don't want to show you that I care. About you, about our relationship. I avoid socials and going out, because I know that they eventually have to end. I think and I imagine and I cry about the possible consequences of my actions. I hold on to my friendships by not appearing to hold on at all.

It's a dead end. I must realize that. I'm still looking and discovering myself in relation to others. Eventually, I may find it, or maybe I won't, ever. But this fear is not going to define me. At least, not forever. As I continue to navigate my twenties and perspectives on college culture, I aspire to overcome it.